Its never easy

When I owned a thing,

it gives me pressure.. responsibility.

When I opened my heart to accept,

it lowers my guardian.. to being hurt.

Everyday...

I never expect the next moment.

Everyday...

I know the vulnerable of human.

Everyday...

I know how near can someone be to death.

I know myself..

I always play on safe side.

I'm afraid..

I do not take risk..

I avoid to own something..

I avoid commitment..

I avoid to think of being lucky unless I was sure

cause I'm afraid of dissapointment.

But how many times..

have I tried to expose myself?

How many times it hurt?

I don't know..

neither do you....

Yeah...

they never said life's easy..

but some promise that it's gonna worth.

Life's like a gamble...

I played on safe side, but where's the fun?

I took the risk, but what if I lost?

There's nothing perfect in this world

There's always sacrifice to be made...

It's just how you wanna write the story line.

We admire movies, the story..

We enjoy laughter, the moment..

We miss good memory, the experience..

But, how many times we appreciate

the wound left?

Giving excuses to escape

is a nature to protect myself...

There're thousand of reasons to move out,

but a single reason is enough to stay.

I pictured myself in 10 years from now..

Graduated as Doctor,

working at hospital like crazy..

That's all?

Is this all?

I don't want this..

In my picture, I want to be happy.

I drive a car, that I owned myself..

I have a stable relationship, that it's so mine..

I owned a house, that every corner is my idea..

I able to give financial support to my bros, that my parents proud of.

but would I take the risk??

All I can think is..

"I'm not ready now..."

BUT, Candy!! When will you be ready?!

Everything happens so fast..

like a blink of eye, pop! Gone..

I'll be ending first year medical..

4 years to go...

What can I gain?

I never know...

There're so many things

I regretted in the past..

I don't know what's the correct choice anymore.

It's no longer logic, emotional plays role, too.

But now, I know..

there's never correct path for me.

It's about me.. who I am?

who I wanna be?

I chose this, I stick to my choice.

I decided this, I support upon myself.

Now...

Can I drive around Bukit Jalil now?

I made such a rush, instance decision.

I'm having doubt now..

Car park lot and everything's ready..

But Am I ready??

It's a responsibility..

A burden to carry in exchange of freedom.

I'm worried....

cause its never easy.

Surprise!!!

Yeah.. Yup..

I was surprised.. and shocked..

Haha..

Here it goes:

From my previous post..

I was way way too down d..

cause I trust him, dad..

a lot.. lots~~

So, when he break a promise,

I'll feel very very down~~

Yeah.. i know.. being spoilt huh?

Probably...

I admit I'm dependent on him..

Cause he never fails to cheer me up..

and he do success every time.

It's like..

he can sense my sadness through phone.

He was way too busy to fetch me back..

yet.. Fri night..

(I don't have class for this Fri.. but thurs class till 6.30pm)

he came all the way to fetch me.

I get so shocked.. that I nearly stunned.

The first moment I saw him,

he smiled at me...

Sweet~~

cause he seldom smile..

he used to be that kind of cool dad..

You know.. those seldom smile and laugh along..

So.. I felt warm when he smiled.

He was driving all alone.

It's sunday, today..

And i'm still at Segamat..

Going back on Monday.. hehe^^

He doesn't trust public transport..

so, he's gonna fetch me again

haha..

overprotective?? yeah.. i guess

So.. another surprise

He was driving all the way alone..

He used to have a friend company and I'll be sleeping..

but that day was different..

we talk talk and yeah.. he like tease me

I dig out his love story since he asked mine.

haha..

I found out one of my ancestor is Nyonya..

it's like real Nyonya.. dress, shoes, food

everything la..

but not from Malacca

(Reminds me of a friend..^^)

erm.. lots la..

some privacy and confidential..

Lol..

Like his past.. my future...

my childhood.. blaX3

haha...

one thing is that...

I love you, Dad..

Thanks for everything.

P/S: Yeah.. I know I know.. It sounds like I was so upset previously..

But this is who I am.. I forgive others easily.. but hardly for my own mistake.

Not something good, right?

wait wait.. I never angry to my dad.. Never..

because it's love..

Promise

I am a believer...

I believe..

and I trust...

I put my entirely faith in..

without any doubt..

cause I trust you...

Don't you know??

Don't you ever.. ever.. ever..

keep me a promise..

when you can't keep it.

It's not gonna hurt

this much...

if you.. if you..

just tell the truth first..

I'm not fragile..

I am not...

Do you know

your promise put me to smile happily?

Do you know

your promise put me in faith?

AND..

Don't you know!!

how much it hurt when you break your promise

over.. over and over again..

I'm not angry..

I'm not..

but I am dissapointed..

cause I'm hurt...

I forgive cause

I love, I care...

But each time I recovered..

there's a scar left.

and...

You broke your promise...

again.

And all this..

I hate myself for what happened.

I hate myself..

I've given in so so much..

cause I trust you.

Don't promise me again...

Cause I don't know

if I can trust all over again.

And I'm afraid

of losing faith in you

Hey.. I like you!!

I looked into your eyes..

Smile instantly...

A feeling of being drawn towards you..

wish I could talk more to you..

and the first phrase would be:

Hey..I miss you ^^

And.. there you are...

walking in so perfectly gesture..

wish I could say:

Hey.. return back my breathe please..

Sitting next to you..

having these butterflies in stomach..

wish and hope to say:

Hey.. mind chasing the butterflies away for me?

I wanna enjoy this moment awhile

Looking around..

searching over for your face..

wish for you while thinking:

Hey.. Where are you? I've been looking for you.

Don't hide ya..

**Looking here and there for you**

Met your eyes..

Looking straight into you..

and smile sweetly..

**Hiding the smile from you**

having blush all over..

Turn around.. You too..

**Checking over and over the time**

Finally.. typing message for you

Just to chat with you

BUT.. you're faster than me..

Up to cloud nine...

Finally..

talking to you..

I lost my focus!

my only reply from my brain is:

Hey... I like you!!!

**smile sweetly...**

P/S: Just an inspiration from song 'Kissing you by Miranda Cosgrove'

Dad

The closest shot I can.. He dislike photo with smile d.. ^^

Last saturday night..

daddy came to meet me here..

He and a driver..

I got all shock when he called around 5pm

and tell me to wait for dinner

but keep tummy quiet..

I almost can't believe

his action...

I thought he was joking

as he always do...

he brought up lots of food..

plus a dress from Mum..

Hmm.. dress.. haha..

I kept it well.. lolz

He arrived to me almost 9.30pm

It was a boring day for me

as I had class on the morning Saturday

but the moment I saw daddy..

I cheer up.. up to cloud nine!!!

haha..

Yup..

Then we went for dinner..

it feels strange firstly..

cause dad and I seldom have dinner

only two of us.. usually in family

He order lots of dishes..

that i dunno how to finish..

haha.. I tried to eat a lot..

That's what he was trying to feed me..

haha..

then we talked.. like real long..

I miss him.. i really do..

He used to be so so busy..

But that moment.. he's beside..

sitting and listening to my every words.

My heart ache to see him..

cause he looks tired... he do.

and whenever he smokes.. I feel like crying..

I dunno what to do, Dad..

You have been smoking for ages..

I know it's tough.. but when you said

"妮， 我会烦。。这生意"

I dunno how to help...

Does my study fees burden you?

Whenever I put on worry face,

you'll say.. "你不要相学费的问题。。 爸爸会有办法。。你担心什么？

爸爸还有SOSCO。。妈妈也有。 够的。。”

that's what you told...

“但是你还有两个小儿子。。不要忘记了。”

”只要以后你记得养我就可以啦。。到他们，你都做工啦”

When I said medicine is expensive.. i don't want..

You said “妮， 你可以读就去读。。当年如果爸爸会读，现在就是律师了。。

你在怕什么？放心去读。。”

I choose local.. and IMU because the fees are affordable..

Dad, I'm the first one further study..

I don't do enough research..

After SAM, I only realised I can go for government uni..

Sorry, dad...

He's really comforting..

whenever he said

“妮，只要你要出国，我会有办法的。。一定让你出国。”

“现在也不迟。。”

I was worrying about my coming CPR exam

cause seniors told us

the system is RANDOM FAILING

(Yeah... random failing!)

RM50 for resit..

he said “你放心去考。。如果不及格，重考咯。。只要过关。。

他们要的只是钱。。

你要加油。。我帮你加了好的油。super的。。”

he tried to cheer me up saying,

“还没找到parking位啊？等车到了，你没的用”

“明天礼拜咯。。可以睡到12点才醒，你最喜欢的”

His favourite quote towards me..

cause I used to show him 100marks for my Maths exam

smiling brightly at him.

“考99也是A。。100分也是A。。爸爸不是说不要你考100分，只是要告诉你。。尽力就好。到了大学，看的就是你过关就好。不要给自己太大的压力。。

尽力就好，知道吗？”

His quote:

“当你考到doc， 我也是doc。。我是doc的爸爸”

“你不想开clinic。。。那我开医院给你好了。”

He's my support..

every girl's dream of dad like him..

hilarious.. protective.

what can I do without you?

I know his pain as he shares.. Thanks for everything he does

for me.. for family..

Love you, dad

I'm always daddy's girl

When I look at you

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song..

A beautiful melody,

when the night's so long

Cause there is no guarantee

that this life is easy

When my world is falling apart

When there's no light to break up the dark

That's when I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

and I can't find my way home anymore

That's when I look at you

When I look at you,

I see forgiveness, I see the truth

You love me for who I am

like the stars hold the moon

Right there where they belong

and I know that I'm not alone

When my world is falling apart

When there's no light to break up the dark

That's when I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore

and I can't find my way home anymore

That's when I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me

Just like kaleidoscope colours that prove to me

All I need, every breath that I breathe

Don't you know you're beautiful

When the waves are flooding the shore

and I can't find my way home anymore

That's when I look at you~~

I look at you~~~

Semester 2 ≠ Rest

Here's what about Sem 2

I studied for

Pathology, Microbiology, Immunology Pharmacology and Clinical Skills.

So, to sum up everything...

In my Sem 2..

which is short sem..

I'm gonna learn to talk to patients.

(Ohh yeah.. I get my pen torch.. The one that doc use to see your throat when you're sick. Remember? I got one.. haha..

I can basically know treat simple fever... Cool huh?

That's what I'm looking for... wohoo..)

Kk..

Then I learnt how to talk bacteria&virus language.

And learnt Spanish or Latin.. whatever

Cause SERIOUSLY..

Their name are very VERY scary..

Eg.. Streptococcus aures, candida sp.

Can you imagine remembering all these strange name?

within month time..

and as well as symptoms (which most are almost the same)

and the treatment

AND the clinical skills like test to be done..

Huh..??

This is officially medical

No more anatomy.. -learning all the body part..

Now just.. these little freaking things blowing out my minds..

And Bloggy..

You just need to hold on to my every medical term comes up.

Haha..

But The FUN is..

The lab thingy and clinical stuff..

Like the real practical..

Btw, I still trying to concentrate very hard during lectures..

But it's still challenging..

Wish there's a medicine call anti-lazy..

since I'm learning all the antibodies, antigens, and antiviral..

I'm talking nonsense basically..

What a life!

I miss you most...

when I smile..

But, missing you cost a smile of mine...

All I wish..

is just...

"Wish you were here with me"

Goonnne

"Life Is Like Rainbow... You need both sun and rain to make its colours appear"

Even a shinny day

may ended with rain..

Every rainbow is formed

only with sun and rain...

Even a perfect day

may ended with tears..

Every perfect day of life is formed

only with laughter and tears...

I went to Pulau Ketam yesterday..

since I staying overnight at SK's house..

Her house is at klang.. which is half an hour drive.

The previously day was all fine and nice..

I bought myself a nice formal shirt.

Thanks to them for provide ideas.

except for the part eating with family..

which causes me to have anxious and terrible panic

The boat to P. Ketam was suffocating..

I need sea breeze.. feel the air!!

instead of the stupid air-cond.

Unfortunately.. there isn't a way to avoid.

I left my purse inside the boat..

I really wish I can type all the details out..

But it's just so so hard to refresh everything again..

I can't stand with over-viewing the scene like movie

over and over again...

All I know is..

My tears rolls down unexpected, uncontrollable

whenever my bro, dad and mum called.

I can't even actually say the word properly..

when I finally have to face the truth that it's gooone.

How much I wish I could turn back the time..

How much I wish I could be more careful..

How much I wish I do turn back to have a look..

Bloogy...

There's no word to describe the pain..

cause it only causes more pain whenever refresh button started..

I wish hard.. very hard..

to have "delete", "renew", "overwrite" and "backspace" buttons in life

But I appreciate every little help and effort..

It makes me realize..

who's the one.. cares and love me the most..

and who's the one.. just comforting..